...and the sun just keeps shining

I can't believe it's been a week since I wrote last. Valentine's Day was a week ago. It seems like ages, thank goodness.
Last week was mostly a good week.
I cut the ties with the dying relationship. Finally. I let the other off the hook of my expectations, and ended up giving myself my freedom back in the process.
It's a wonderful thing to feel in control of your own life again.
Now if only I could stop dreaming about him.
Life does go on though, and there is so much hope out there. The sun has been shining relentlessly for the last number of days, and I love it. There are buds popping out on the trees, and crocuses and snowdrops blooming everywhere. It's just a matter of time before we start seeing the beautiful pink and white buds of the plum and cherry trees.
I made another important decision for my life last week, and that was to allow myself to do more of the things that I enjoy.
I learned to run just over two years ago, and went straight into training for and running 1/2 marathons. I was really enjoying the sense of accomplishment.
The natural progression was to start training for a marathon, which I signed up for this winter.
The problem is I'm not enjoying anything about it.
Last year at this time, I was struggling with depression, and along with my dog, running was my saviour. It made me get out and do the distances that had been set out for me.
This year, I just can't find the same motivation. I'm not enjoying it. It's as simple as that.
Time for a break.
To train for such distances, there are many aspects of life that must be adjusted, and in some cases, given up. Things like going dancing on the weekend, or staying out late Saturday night. Although the running group was very social, it was interrupting my other social life. And I want it back.
The decision to give up the marathon training was not easy, but now that it's been made, it's very freeing.
Just like in giving up on my dying relationship, a world of possibilities has opened up for me.
What a wonderful feeling, and a wonderful time of year to feel it.
The world is full of potential!

Smart woman day

In the midst of a very painful and drawn-out split with an important person, Valentine's Day falls. What a cruel joke of fate.
I don't have a great history of Valentine's Day to start with, so my expectations are usually low, but this year (as with thoughts about my long term future) I had let myself give in to the thought of a wonderful day, and evening spent with someone who really cared for me, and who I really cared for in return.
Instead, I made a point of wearing all black today, and doing all that I can to avoid realizing what day it is. And trying not to cry.
Then, a good friend sent me the following message....

Today is I.V.G.L.D.S.W. Day (International Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman's Day), so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me I have already received it from a VeryGood Looking, Darn Smart Woman!
Remember to live by this motto: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid insideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I think this sounds like a very good thought, but I'm not doing a very good job of living it right now.

Politics

I attended a political function as part of my job this week. It was the first thing of this sort that I've ever been involved in and it appears I did well, as I've been asked to be a representative at another one, which features the provincial leader, next week.
I think there are many occassions when I need to learn to curb my enthusiasm for doing the best I can at whatever it is I'm doing.
There was a brief conversation with the cause of my anxiety and worries yesterday. He sounded really good. Two weeks away, playing in the snow with good friends, was clearly a good thing for him. I'm sorry it wasn't such a great thing for me.
I really appreciated the time away from him to think and talk about where we've been, where we are and where we should go. I just didn't have loads of fun doing it.
At some point over the next few days we will see each other, and decide what role we will be playing in each others lives for the next while. I'm looking forward to getting my thoughts out of my head, heard and acted on.

Angst and the story of my life

Why is it that I'm always letting myself get into a twist about things? I know I put lots of pressure on myself to do the "right" thing to make the "right" decision and do the best that I can. Why though? How do I become one of those people who can just ride the wave of life and enjoy it for what it is?
Taking things at face value sounds like such a wonderful thing to be able to do. So does living in the moment. I'm perpetually fretting or feeling anxious about something I said or did, or worrying about what's going to happen later, tomorrow, next week, next month. I know that there is very little value in that, and I'm letting the wonderful things about right now whiz on by me by doing that, but I can't seem to help myself.
I struggle to be positive, open and in the moment, and then beat myself up when I'm unable to do that. It's a vicious cycle that I can't figure out how to break.

Sunshine

It's dawned another beautiful sunny day, and I have a huge hole in my being. I'm grateful for the sunshine though, without it I don't think I could've gotten out of bed.
The hole, I have concluded, is a result of a relationship that was very important to me becoming difficult. It's hard to contemplate completely removing someone from your life, in the hopes that it will be for the better of both of you in the long run. The head says this is what should happen, but the heart longs for the continued contact and involvement in their life. It's like head and heart have both gone to the opposite poles, and as a result, I have a hole in the centre of my body.
Somehow through all this, I'm still able to keep in mind that this experience is going to make me a better and stronger person. This is a wonderful piece of hope, because I know that in future relationships, I will be better for what I've learned in this one.
The other fabulous thing that has happened through these hard times is that I've learned that I have some amazing friends out there, and I am very lucky for that.
Let the sun keep shining!

First Posting

Welcome to the wonderful world of my blog! Well, maybe not always wonderful, but hopefully at least interesting.
I used to enjoy writing, but have been so caught up in having to write corporate correspondence, that I've gone off it. I hope to be able to enjoy it again, and use this forum to learn to express myself, and work out my thoughts, via the written word.
My life's purpose these days seems to be limited to feeding and walking the dog, and working for the better good of others. It's time to spend some time working on the better good of me.
I am lucky. I live in a good home, with a wonderful dog. I have great friends, a good job that is satisfying, I am active and healthy.
But I'm not happy. I'm trapped in an eternal search for the thing that will patch the cracks that are oozing dissatisfaction.
I hope that by writing my thoughts, I will begin to see a pattern, and learn what it is that I am searching for, and finally, settle. I want to be content.